FE: The Limited Squirrel Edition
by forestfey
Summary: Long ago...squirrel and man lived together in a peace forged with acorns...my first fic! This is a parody that begins with Lyn's story..and I do not know where it will end. R &R, I care now. Chapter Two up- Beginning in Bulgar
1. Default Chapter

You know, here people usually write conversations with FE characters and stuff about them getting deleted and reviews. I find that corny and lame and a waste of precious space. So instead, I am going to write a jingle about marshmallow fluff...kidding! I'm kidding. This story is a parody about Fire Emblem, written by my brother and me. We are avid FE fans, but we needed to add some humor to this plot. Hence...FE: The Limited Squirrel Edition.

Oh, and a disclaimer. I don't own FE. Satisfied?

Introduction

Long ago, squirrels and humans coexisted. They shared a peace forged with acorns, a peace that lasted many generations. All was lost when mankind commanded the squirrels' wisdom, power, and mixed nuts. Man fought squirrel in a savage war that shook the treetops of their world. This war was called the Squirreling. Defeated and squeaking, squirrels vanished from the realm. In time, man rebuilt and spread his dominion across the land and onto the islands beyond.

A millennium has passed since those dark days ended.

Chris staggered across the open plains, clutching his stomach. That was the last time I'll eat Taco Bell, he thought. Chris passed out.

Chris heard a voice. He groaned and rolled over on his stomach. Ow. He could hear the voice a little louder now.

"GET THE UP YOU FRIGGIN' LARD!"

Chris looked up, still groggy. A girl, about 16 or 17 with forest green eyes and hair stood before him.

Chris closed his eyes. "Just ten more minutes, Mommy...."

The girl showed her impatience at Chris by proceeding to stick an Iron Sword up his you- know- what.

Chris screamed, clutching his butt. "In the name of all things crunchy, that hurt!"

The obnoxious green- haired girl glared at him. "By Father Sky and Mother Earth you are an asshole."

Chris inspected the damage created by the Iron Sword. "You sliced through my Bean Slacks! (from the Mario & Luigi GBA game)"Is it cold in here?" Chris asked.

"Wear one of my skirts you shmuck!"

The girl grabbed Chris' arm and shoved him inside a weird hut- like thing. He emerged clothed in a rather revealing blue dress.

"This clashes with my hair!" he wailed.

The girl ignored this comment. "Hey, I saw some bandits outside! Let's kick some ass!"

"Uhhh..." Chris stuttered. He didn't really feel like getting hurt today. "Uhhh...why don't you ask your parents?"

"They're dead." the girl said plainly. Chris felt genuinely un-sorry.

Chris looked over the girl's shoulder and noticed her parents sneaking out the back door. "Oh too bad...how did they die?"

"They were slain by bandits."

"Chris wished the girl was slaughtered by bandits also. "Well, look at the time! I have a conference in Ilia I need to attend..." he said, stepping backwards through the door, careful not to expose his backside to the girl again.

"You haven't told me your name yet!" the girl said in a threatening way.

"It's Chris."

"That's a stupid name, lard."

"I'm a tactician."

"Hey, maybe you can be useful."

"Uhh...thanks...um...." Chris stuttered.

"Lyn! My name is Lyn. " she said, secretly slipping an active Mine into Chris' skirt. "Now let's go kick some bandit ass!"

"St. Elimine bless anyone who gets an inanimate object stuck up their crack." Chris breathed, closing his eyes.

There. I am finished. Read, review, do whatever. I am an indifferent author.


	2. Beginning in Bulgar

Okay, since I received no reviews, I feel bad. I know I said I didn't care, but now I do. I am subject to mood swings. Anyway, this chapter is corresponding with Girl of the Plains and part of Footsteps of Fate.

Lyn and Chris stepped out of her house and onto the lush grass of the plains. Lyn hurried ahead while Chris struggled to keep up in his blue, revealing skirt.

"I see a bandit's ass!" Lyn screeched. "Tell me what to do, lard!"

Chris shuddered. "Uh...Lyn...you move closer to that bandit over there." Lyn moved closer.

"Die!" the bandit roared. Chris wished he had a nice six- pack like that random bandit guy had. But no, Chris instead had to wear a dress. It was kinda pretty, though.

Lyn basically sliced the bandit's ass like spam. She did take a hit, but unfortunately it was not fatal.

"Victory! But I am wounded. I have a vulnerary in my satchel." Lyn declared.

Chris reached for her satchel. All of a sudden, Chris was flipped backward and he landed on his head. All the wind was knocked out of him. It took him a few seconds to register that he was just backdropped by Lyn.

"DON'T YOU EVER TOUCH A LADY!" Lyn roared, foaming at the mouth.

"You're a lady?" Chris blurted out. Lyn then gestured to a rake nearby, then to Chris' bottom.

"Ehh....." Chris stammered.

Lyn poked her finger in the direction of another bandit. "Let's go beat the snot out of this guy!"

"I'm not sure..." Chris stammered again. Lyn gestured to a rake again. "ATTACK THAT GUY!" Chris sputtered.

A really ugly looking bandit was lurking at the front of some weird tent thing. "I am Batta the---hey! Is that a guy in a skirt? HAHAHAHAH!" he cried, pointing to Chris.

"I know, he's an asshole." Lyn disappeared, then reappeared, then sliced Batta the Beast to be barely recognizable in about three seconds.

"What---how---hey! You are still a guy in a skirt! HAHHAHA! (dead)"

"I was almost defeated!" Lyn declared, panting. "I must train so hard that no one will defeat me! BWAHAHAH!!"

"Err...I'll be leaving now." Chris muttered, starting to run away.

"You're coming with me, meat." Lyn said, threateningly, with a sword at Chris' throat.

Chris groaned.

The Beginning in Bulgar

Lyn and the Tactitian prepare for the long journey ahead at Bulgar.

"Chris, over here! This is Bulgar!" Lyn screeched. "Buy me supplies!"

Chris thought that Lyn had a real talent for stating the obvious. "But I got you that steak at Applebee's Tavern!" Chris whined. Lyn looked around, and then gestured at a shovel. "Hmm...." Chris thought. If he spent all of his gold on supplies for Lyn, he'd be broke, and alive. If he saved his money instead of buying stuff for Lyn, he'd be dead and have a shovel up his ass. Great. A win- win deal.

Just then, two men on horseback galloped up to Chris and Lyn. One was adorned in green armor, the other in reddish- orange.

"Oh my heart! What a dazzling vision of loveliness!" the cavalier in green swooned.

"Hmm?" Lyn said.

"Hmm?" Chris said.

"Hmm?"The cavalier shrugged. "Oh...wait...oh yeah. O beauteous one! Would you not favor me with your name? Or better yet your bra?" the green perverted cavalier asked.

"Where are you from, Sir Assalot, that you speak so freely to a stranger?" Lyn demanded, her eyes red and her mouth foaming,

"Ha! I thought you would never ask, o hot one! I am from Lycia! I hail from the Caelin canton, home to men of hot passion and FIRE!" the perverted cavalier said proudly.

"Shouldn't that be home to callow assholes with huge asses?" Lyn corrected. She then flipped the green cavalier off of his horse.

"Ooh...you're lovely, even when you're cruel." the green cavalier giggled.

Chris was disturbed by the scene of events taking place.

"Let's go Chris. This guy sucks ass." Lyn spat. Chris was happy to oblige. At least it's not me who's flipped this time by the crazy, ass- obsessed woman, Chris thought.

"WAIT!" the green cavalier said urgently. "I have roses!" He presented Lyn with a beautiful red rose bouquet.

"Do you always carry those around?" Lyn asked, accepting the roses, and then grinding them beneath her heel.

"Only for sexy singles with monster melons!"

"Well, I'm married."

"Yeah right. What are you, sixteen?"

"I'm married...uh...to a woman." Lyn said, obviously lying.

"Hmm...who are you married to?" the cavalier demanded.

Lyn pulled Chris to her side. "She's my wife."

"What? I'm not a..." Chris trailed off, noticing Lyn had just gestured to yet another shovel.

"You're married to a shovel! Ha ha!" the green cavalier laughed stupidly.

"AAGGHH! Let's go NOW, Chris." Chris sighed.

"Wait! Tell me your name, you hot babe!" the green cavalier begged.

"AAAGGGHHH!! I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE! SAIN, HOLD YOUR TOUNGE!" the red armored cavalier bellowed.

"Ah, Kent. My boon companion! Why so serious an expression?" the cavalier named Sain asked, making a puppy- dog face.

"If you were more serious, I wouldn't have to rip your ass open! We still have a mission to complete!"

"Snagging the sexy sasquatches?" Sain suggested.

"NOO!!!!!!"

"But how could I be silent?" Sain whimpered. "I would be discourte---

"WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT COURTESY??!!!" Kent nearly shrieked.

"I thought you liked me, Kent, but...you are just a big meanypants!" Sain blurted out.

"It's okay, Sain. I still love you."

Chris started to gag.

"Excuse me, but your asses are blocking the road." Lyn interrupted loudly.

"Excuse me, madam, but these horses are of the finest breed in all of Lycia. See? You wounded my poor Twinklepie's feelings." Kent sharply said.

"No, not your horses, YOUR asses."

"Oh, my apologies. I have been telling Sain that newfangled diet all goes to his---

hey...have we met before?" Kent inquired.

"What?" Lyn demanded.

"Hey! No fair! I saw this hot babe first!" Sain whined.

Chris shuddered. He REALLY wanted to go now. Why were they dragging this conversation out so long? That mega- large pint of rum was starting to catch up with him now.

"Tsk! You are both asswhelps! Come on, Chris." Lyn said, a vein pulsing in her forehead.

"You're a boy?" Sain asked disbelievingly, pointing at Chris.

"Yeah...uh...so? A REAL man can wear a dress." Chris said indignantly.

"You were my second option!" Sain wailed. Chris shuddered again, and started to take off.

Lyn flipped Kent for no particular reason, and then set off.

"Wait! It's not like that! ...Sain, you lout!" Kent screeched. But by then Chris and Lyn were gone.

"'What do YOU know about courtesy,'" Sain mocked. "And when did Foreblaze become Twinklepie?"

"Since now." Kent said, turning red. "Anyway, let's follow her."

"Why? Uhh....she's our mission? Wait!"

There. Finished. Please review.


End file.
